100 Healthy Days: Day 4 & 5 - Nothing is impossible

100 Healthy Days: Day 4 & 5

I've been pretty busy these last two days and wasn't able to get on and do my blog post yesterday so I thought I'd combine my two healthy days with the one thought that has consistently been running through my mind as I still struggle to make the right choices every day - how will I continue to stay motivated if I hit a bumpy patch? I don't want to fall off the wagon as I inevitably always do at the first sign of something tough.

For day 4 I posted a picture of the freshly mowed lawn in our back garden. I had originally planned to make the most of the winter sunshine by going for a walk/jog around the block a couple of times. My plan is to eventually build up to running as that is something I would like to be able to do often as part of my exercise plan in the future (no, not marathons! just a way to get out and clear my mind for a while every day). 

Unfortunately we had some issues at work and I wasn't able to get away from my PC for that long.  Ordinarily I would have just not done anything about that at all and been all 'Ah well, what can ya do?' - but this time I was like 'OK, what ELSE can I do?'! The lawn has been needing a mow and we just haven't got there with all the rain, so that's what I did. Whizzed the mower around the garden for half an hour or so and even managed to work up a sweat.

The exciting grass picture

And you know what? I'm super proud of myself for doing that, at least I did something and I was flexible. I didn't let myself feel bad for not managing the walk/job because I did something else to make up for it. That really has been a big realisation for me, as silly as it may sound. I've always made up loads of excuses about working out - too busy, too tired, too stressed... too full of nonsense is more like it. 

It's inspired me to get more involved in the house work and things that have been needing to be done for a long time, so from now on if for any reason I can't leave the house - I WILL find something else active to do; and saying that feels pretty good too.

You really can afford to carve out 30min a day at the very least to do something more active and there are so many things that need doing around the house (if this is not the case at your house, please feel free to swing by here and I'll give you the To Do list).

Which brings me to my Day 5. I have always really respected and admired Nelson Mandela and his attitude towards life. One of my favourite stories about him is how he gave up most of his salary as President to various charities because he said he had everything he needed and they did not. That is the kind of person I strive to be in life, I have my ups and downs but I can honestly say I'm working on it and maybe one day I can hope to be even a fraction as great as he is.

But I digress, my point here is that Nelson Mandela's quote, "It always seems impossible until it's done" - is something that has resonated with me in every facet of my life. Work, home, Health... it just works for anything and I love it. To the point that I had a custom made sticker printed that sits above my desk, so that I can look up at any time and see it.

The exciting picture of the stickers above my desk

I think what I love about it is that it's just so true. Any bad thing that you have to soldier through, will end! At some point the journey will be over and you will have made it through. It may not be easy, but time marches on with or without you - and that to me just makes it more bearable.

Just taking it one day at a time, one step at a time, one meal at a time is the only way we can survive this world. If you start to think too far into the future and the massive goals you have set for yourself it seems so impossible and overwhelming. Breaking it up into smaller attainable goals that all work towards the same final outcome is a much more productive and positive way to deal with things and I think that is something else I have to learn to let go and I will.

It always seems impossible... until it's done - so let's get doing!

You've got this!

xx E

100 Healthy Days: Day 3 - Want VS Need

100 Healthy Days: Day 3 

Today we tackled the first of a list of 20 hikes that we have challenged ourselves to complete: The Muizenberg Mile. This is a walk from Surfer's Corner at Muizenberg Beach to St James Beach and apparently it's a mile long (1.6km).

It was a good starting point and while it wasn't extremely difficult - for someone who has previously thought that going to get the mail from the mailbox at the end of the drive way was a mission - it's still a good bit of exercise. It helps a lot that the views are gorgeous, and also that today was overcast so we weren't walking in the sun or heat of any kind (always a plus for a fatty!).

While we were walking it got me thinking about exercise in general and how it's probably not going to be a fun activity for me for a while still. I don't really mind exercise and I would never say I hate to exercise - I always fell good about myself after I have completed any exercise - but I can't lie and say I look forward to it either. 

I dread the thought of getting so hot and sweaty. I don't do well in the sun and I get hot very quickly, more than likely a side effect of all my insulation I know, but it doesn't change the fact that I don't like it and it makes me miserable. I also really don't like the side of me that comes out when I am hot and sweaty. I become the heat hulk, forcing myself through whatever we are doing just to get to where I'm going faster so that the hellish nightmare will end and I can retreat back to my nice, cool, shady house once more. 

And God help anyone who gets in my way or tries to be 'motivating'. No, I don't want to hear about how we are 'nearly there'. 'Nearly there' has such an enormous range of what it could actually mean that I don't want you getting my hopes up by saying it when we are actually 'still very f-ing far away'. I don't want to hear about how it will all be worth it when we get to the top and see the view; screw the view! If I wanted to see the view so bad I could Google it, there's always someone else who has been up here and taken a picture! Talking about our progress and how fit we are getting, in that moment, I couldn't care less about being fit or making progress. I think we can all see where I'm going with this, when I am hot and sweaty - it's just best for everyone if I'm left alone.

Learning to push through that is what I hope to achieve with these hikes and I really want to do it for the sake of my super duper awesome and amazing boyfriend who patiently puts up with the she-hulk whenever we try to do any sort of activity. If you are reading this N, I love you all the stars and thank you for putting up with me for all these years! <3

I also like the idea of the hikes because at least they have a starting point and a finishing point that are visible to you, unlike being on a treadmill or cross-trainer where you feel like you are working and working but not getting anywhere. There's a real sense of accomplishment with a hike and I really like that I can feel proud of myself for finishing it and being able to say I did so. No one wants to hear stories about staying on a treadmill for an hour, but going and doing that super difficult hike? That's amazing! 

I'll probably never understand the people who hike for fun and will do the same hike numerous times (Seriously? Why? What is there left to see that you haven't seen the first 500 times you did it?), I do like the challenge aspect of being able to say I have done them all. 

So while I may never WANT to hike, I do NEED to - and that is an important lesson for me.

Exercise is never going to be fun and I'm never going to want to do it but I need to, so why not make a challenge of it and enjoy beating each challenge and gaining a sense of pride over it?

Maybe I'm just too competitive, but hey it works for me and that's all that really matters at this point. 

Stay strong peeps and find the things that challenge you too!

You've got this :)

xx E

100 Healthy Days: Day 2 - Accepting that it's NEVER going to be over

100 Healthy Days: Day 2 

Day 2 of my 100 Healthy days marks my 1 week 100% clean paleo eating 'Reboot' goal too! 

It's tougher than you'd think. It's essentially the Paleo lifestyle but VERY strict. The challenge is to see if you can go for 30 days straight with NO cheating. You cheat, you start from Day 1 again. I've had to restart twice, once because in a moment of habit I had a sip of my boyfriends coke at a party. Sigh. And the second time I had honey, which is allowed on Paleo but not the 30 Day reboot - go figure.

If you are up for the challenge check it out here:
http://www.sleekgeek.co.za/REBOOT/

This little victory got me thinking about just how difficult I had always found it to stick to any sort of eating plan or diet. Why do we find it so difficult to stick to diets and get healthy?

Let's think about it, if you are like me then it probably goes something like this: You've just started a diet; things are going really well and the weight is dropping every time you step on the scale, you are doing great and you are looking good and feeling really motivated. It's only going to be a little while longer until you get there and then finally all of the diets will be over! Your dreams will have come true and you can live your days out in the bikini bliss that you know you truly deserve, right? WRONG!

It's never ever going to over. That's right, I'll say it again: 

It's NEVER EVER going to be over 

Once you have lost all of the weight and gained all of the muscle, you have to keep at it - every single day. You cannot go back to your old ways, you cannot expect to be able to do what you like and eat what you like without any consequences. You may have put months or years into losing all the weight and feel like you deserve a break... but guess what? Your body doesn't give a crap and it WILL store the fat again if you let it. You have to keep up the healthy eating for the rest of your life.

This seems to be where I have been going wrong every single time before, I was always counting down the days until the nightmare would be over and I could do what I liked again. It's a huge mistake, I need to accept that I will never be able to go back and also that I don't want to. Why would I want to go back to how I was before, when it has made me so miserable about myself? 

Sure I really enjoy the eating and the delicious food, so while I'm busy shoveling it in I feel awesome and happy - but it's instant gratification and nothing else because sooner or later I would be hating myself for it again. 

It doesn't take much to set me off either, simply seeing myself in the mirror or not being able to fit into any good clothes while out shopping is enough to make me hate myself completely - and I don't want to live like that anymore. 

The time has come, and there are no more excuses. I could quote every motivational out there to you now, but I think we all get the point. The only person holding me back is me, and I'm done with that.

Going forward I'm just going to keep challenging myself; so instead of having a countdown I'll count up and see how long I can stay healthy for; how far I can run, how much I can lift, what can I do now that I couldn't do before - and I'll keep increasing those and beating my own personal bests. 

100 Healthy Days and the Reboot are a great start and I'll be adding in more activity this week, starting with a mini hike tomorrow. I hate hiking, but we've found a list of 20 hikes in and around Cape Town so I'm determined to be able to say I've done them all.

All of this makes me think of the awesome comic 'The Oatmeal' and the Blerch, if you have no idea what I'm talking about check it out here:  http://theoatmeal.com/comics/running

Seriously, go check it out, it's awesome!

I guess what I'm really trying to say is - I will keep trying to beat my Blerch but I also know he'll probably never truly be gone from my life, and that's ok too. I know I will probably have weak days and give in to the temptations and that's also ok, but the difference is I need to see it as a temporary set back and not let myself fall apart because of it.

So thanks Blerch, you are my motivation to be a better me and to keep beating myself. Just because I can.

If I can do it, so can you. 

You've got this!

xx E

100 Healthy Days: Day 1 - Coffee & Cigarettes

100 Healthy Days

I've taken up the challenge of 100 healthy days that has been started by an awesome support group for all things healthy, SleekGeek. 

It's essentially exactly what it says, for 100 days you make sure that you do something healthy each day and then post a picture of it. 

http://www.sleekgeek.co.za/100days/

I'll share mine on the blog each day, and I'd like to add something that I have learnt about it as well or even just share my personal feelings or experience with each thing as we go along.

Feel free to take up the challenge as well, all you need to do is share a picture on Facebook or Twitter or where ever you like to hang out on the internet and tag it #sleekgeek100


Day 1 -  Coffee & Cigarettes 

Ok so for Day 1 of the 100 healthy days, I've decided to share some things that I'm really proud of myself for accomplishing so far.

Ask anyone in my life what the two things are that they associated with me, and it would probably be coffee and cigarettes. For years I have received so many gifts to do with coffee or smoking, you would have sworn they were my only hobbies (ok they probably were). I was the coffee person; and when I came to visit you or you came to visit me I drank coffee, and when I drank coffee I had a smoke. 

I drink at least 8 cups of coffee every single day (relax it's the weak, nasty, instant kind so i'm not buzzing on caffeine or anything) and I wasn't (and am not) planning to change that any time soon. 

It is what makes me human, and what keeps me from committing violent acts on the stupid people I regularly have to deal with. It's just better for everyone if I am allowed to have it and no one gets in the way.

So you can imagine what it was like when I first tried to quit smoking... what a nightmare. I turned into the supreme Queen Bitch after only a couple of hours of not having a smoke, and every cup of coffee I had only made me want to smoke more. I tried to quit many, many times and failed because I didn't really want to give up and I resented all the people that made me feel like I should give up, including myself and basically had a big temper tantrum about it all every single time.

Until last year, when I was told about Champix which is a tablet you take for 4 - 12 weeks and it helps to reduce the cravings and stop that craaazy feeling you get when you are getting over an addiction. I coupled this with our annual holiday so that I was away from all of my triggers for 9 days while we road tripped and I have finally been successful and just passed my 1 year anniversary for not smoking. Go me! :)

So now the time had come to work on my other vice - coffee. Every diet I have ever been on, invariably fails when I've had enough of not being able to have my coffee with sugar and milk. I would either cheat and have it, or work it into the diet using a variety of excuses and lame 'fat-itudes' - but still piled loads of sugar and milk into it. Useless.

But now with my smoking success firmly under my very tight belt, and the knowledge that I could actually do it if I really wanted to, I knew that the time had come to take the next big step and start working towards making my coffee intake healthier.

So if I had to have coffee, it was going to have to be coffee that I could fit into my new healthy life. Slowly but surely I cut down my sugar - from 3 to 2, 2 - 1, even going as far as needing that half a teaspoon of sugar that has annoyed me so many times when other people request it; to eventually having no sugar and only milk. Milk was definitely the hardest for me to give up and took another 6 months of trying on and off before I eventually just went balls to the wall and stopped it all together. That was 2 weeks ago, and I'm still going strong.

And no, before you ask, I don't drink tea and I don't want to rather have tea than coffee. It's revolting, I've tried and tried to like it but no. Why does it smell so amazing but taste so horrible? It's like the ultimate anti-climax. Though that said, thinking about it now I may actually like it more now that I don't need sugar and milk... hmmm I'll report back.

But in conclusion, as of right now, I have successfully eliminated all sugar and milk from my coffee every day. Which means that as a part of my healthy eating plan, it is now allowed. And you know what? I actually like it, which I never thought I would be able to say.

So the lesson I have learned through this whole (very long) process, is that there is really no one stopping me from being healthy but myself - and if I really want it, I can do it. 

And so can you (it may take you years to get there like it did with me, but the important part is that you keep trying, but I'm going to go now before I turn into an thinspiration)

You've got this!

xx E

I'm FAT, nice to meet you :)

I'm fat. There you go, I said it. I'm 28 years old and I am fat, and I have been fat for a very long time. I can't remember a time in my life where I haven't been fat. 

I have tried to fool myself into thinking that I wasn't and that there was nothing wrong with my diet, and when even that became too ridiculous for me to believe I stopped looking in mirrors. I still don't look in mirrors and I avoid really clean windows too because I don't want to see that fatso that looks back at me. My worst nightmare? Those elevators with floor to ceiling mirrors on every wall, cringe.

I even started to shower in the dark, because hey what you can't see can't be there right? No jokes. I still do it.

I avoid going out anywhere new because it's terrifying. What are the seating arrangements going to be like? Chairs with arms? No go. Flimsy chairs? No go. Booths? Oh no! What happens if my big fat body bashes into furniture and knocks things over? What if they want to play a physical game like Twister? (terrified of Twister!)

Food is always another problem at social events. You try to dish up as little as possible so that you don't look like a fatty (I know, like they don't have eyes) and then either spend the rest of the night starving and planning the route home via McDonalds or you end up eating crisps by the handful as fast as you can when no one is looking. 

I think it's even worse if you are on a diet when you attend a social event and people find out, because they get this, "Awww shame, that's so good. Good for you!"attitude, that makes me want to shove my carrot sticks up their nose. So I just end up trying to hide the fact that i'm on a diet and eat 'around' the bad foods. That is almost impossible to do, and invariably you end up cheating on the diet just to try and fit in. So I just avoid these situations as much as I can.

Another issue is skinny mean girls. Sigh. I just don't want to be around them. I had enough of that shit in high school. But my male friends keep dating them, so to avoid the embarrassment of sitting with the 'girls' while they talk about g-strings and tiny clothes and where they buy them from (politely making sure to never ask me so as not to hurt my feelings), I'd rather just stay home.

So it has made me really anti-social, not because I don't like people it's because I'm so so scared of being in a completely embarrassing situation - so I'd rather hide. I love people, I used to be a super happy, chatty, friendly person and now I find that I see less and less of the people in my life and more and more of my pc screen.

I live in constant fear and panic because of my weight and I can't keep going like this, it's no way to live.

Two things have happened to me recently that made me want to completely die inside. The first was when we ventured out to a new movie cinema with friends, and I could JUST fit into the chair. I literally had to squeeze myself between the arms, and then sit like that in pain for the next 2 hours because I didn't want to let anyone know. I had bruises on my thighs the next day. Sigh. 
The second was getting into a friends car, and the seat-belt in the front seat couldn't clip in. I never go anywhere without a seat-belt on, it was horrifying to me that I may become even more housebound if I didn't start to do something about my ever increasing waist line.

Ok so I bet that at this point you are thinking, 'Why haven't you done something about this before?'. Well you see, I have. A lot. 

I've done the Mayo Clinic Diet, The 7 Day diet, Juice Fasts, the Dukan diet and even had a Personal Trainer... you name it - I've tried it. Yes they all made me lose weight initially, but after stopping all of them (which you always do because you've become so bored with their options) I've always gained all the weight back and more.

So here I am once again, desperate to lose some weight and be more healthy. I've discovered a lot about myself in all of my various attempts and I think I've finally worked out why I keep 'trying' and almost immediately keep failing.

The secret is, I haven't wanted it enough before this. I haven't been willing to work hard and set myself goals. I always wanted the quick fix and the easy way out and those just don't exist. I also haven't properly understood before that food is NOT my friend. It's not what I need to be doing when I'm sad. I don't need food to celebrate in life and I definitely don't need to fill my boredom with food. It's easy, but it's not really a good hobby to tell the grandkids about one day is it? "So grandma, what did you used to do for fun?", "I ate and ate and ate." Pitiful. 

On the up side I have learnt an incredible amount about health and fitness on my journey to this point. Every time I find a new diet I try to research as much as possible about it and see what the 'experts' have to say. I feel like I know what I'm talking about and what I should be doing - now it's just putting my money where my mouth is and doing it!

A lot of people have been very judgmental in my various attempts (more than likely because it's like the 100th time they've heard I'm on a diet so I can't really blame them), they try not to show it but you can see it on their faces. 

Whenever a fat person is involved in a conversation about health and fitness, they won't be taken seriously. I have an uncle who has cholesterol that is through the roof - yet he promotes this new Banting diet to anyone who will listen because he lost 10kg on it! I'm not sure where or how he had 10kg to lose, perhaps he cut off a foot, but the point is that he is so happy with himself for losing this 10kg even though he's still not healthy. And people listen to him and start doing the same diet! I just don't understand it. If I'm going to do this, I want to do it properly and healthily.

In another case, friends of mine did diet pills and were very successful - but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm way too scared about the negative side effects it could have, are we that desperate to look good that we would put our health on the line? No thanks, I'd rather be fat (ironically, I know ok shhh).

In the past this attitude of ignoring the fat girl has put me off ever discussing anything involving food or exercise with anyone, because I've been ashamed and scared to be judged. 

But now I'm at the point in my life where I honestly don't give a crap and it's my time to change. So I will be telling everyone I know I'm on diet, not in a 'aww poor me' way, but in a "ok this is the situation and I love you all but you need to understand I can't come to your pizza party until I sort myself out"  kind of way. I need to have more faith in people and know that the ones who really should be in my life will understand. I also want to try and help anyone who needs help, whether it be in person or through this blog.

So here we go: 

This is me, Day 1 - 170.5kg

I'm fat, I said it again and saved you thinking it and me worrying about what you were thinking. I'm becoming more healthy, which means I won't be eating junk food or (shock horror) drinking alcohol. Yes you can have a life without those things, and that's going to be my life.

I'm a big fatty and I will probably look disgusting when I try to run, or get the weights all sweaty at the gym and I would say I'm sorry, but I'm just not. This is my time to change and it's going to take me being selfish for a little while to make sure that the changes I need to happen do happen

This blog will be my diary of sorts, a place where I can put down all my thoughts and feelings about this experience which I'm sure is going to be very difficult, but hey - we all gotta start somewhere right? And I don't want to be sitting here a year from now wishing I had started today.

Feel free to comment and tell me your story, and I'll keep hoping that maybe somewhere out there is someone who feels like they'll start today too because of something I've said. That would be awesome :)

Ok I'm going to go and make myself healthy now.

You've got this!
xx E