I have tried to fool myself into thinking that I wasn't and that there was nothing wrong with my diet, and when even that became too ridiculous for me to believe I stopped looking in mirrors. I still don't look in mirrors and I avoid really clean windows too because I don't want to see that fatso that looks back at me. My worst nightmare? Those elevators with floor to ceiling mirrors on every wall, cringe.
I even started to shower in the dark, because hey what you can't see can't be there right? No jokes. I still do it.
I avoid going out anywhere new because it's terrifying. What are the seating arrangements going to be like? Chairs with arms? No go. Flimsy chairs? No go. Booths? Oh no! What happens if my big fat body bashes into furniture and knocks things over? What if they want to play a physical game like Twister? (terrified of Twister!)
Food is always another problem at social events. You try to dish up as little as possible so that you don't look like a fatty (I know, like they don't have eyes) and then either spend the rest of the night starving and planning the route home via McDonalds or you end up eating crisps by the handful as fast as you can when no one is looking.
I think it's even worse if you are on a diet when you attend a social event and people find out, because they get this, "Awww shame, that's so good. Good for you!"attitude, that makes me want to shove my carrot sticks up their nose. So I just end up trying to hide the fact that i'm on a diet and eat 'around' the bad foods. That is almost impossible to do, and invariably you end up cheating on the diet just to try and fit in. So I just avoid these situations as much as I can.
Another issue is skinny mean girls. Sigh. I just don't want to be around them. I had enough of that shit in high school. But my male friends keep dating them, so to avoid the embarrassment of sitting with the 'girls' while they talk about g-strings and tiny clothes and where they buy them from (politely making sure to never ask me so as not to hurt my feelings), I'd rather just stay home.
So it has made me really anti-social, not because I don't like people it's because I'm so so scared of being in a completely embarrassing situation - so I'd rather hide. I love people, I used to be a super happy, chatty, friendly person and now I find that I see less and less of the people in my life and more and more of my pc screen.
I live in constant fear and panic because of my weight and I can't keep going like this, it's no way to live.
Two things have happened to me recently that made me want to completely die inside. The first was when we ventured out to a new movie cinema with friends, and I could JUST fit into the chair. I literally had to squeeze myself between the arms, and then sit like that in pain for the next 2 hours because I didn't want to let anyone know. I had bruises on my thighs the next day. Sigh.
The second was getting into a friends car, and the seat-belt in the front seat couldn't clip in. I never go anywhere without a seat-belt on, it was horrifying to me that I may become even more housebound if I didn't start to do something about my ever increasing waist line.
Ok so I bet that at this point you are thinking, 'Why haven't you done something about this before?'. Well you see, I have. A lot.
I've done the Mayo Clinic Diet, The 7 Day diet, Juice Fasts, the Dukan diet and even had a Personal Trainer... you name it - I've tried it. Yes they all made me lose weight initially, but after stopping all of them (which you always do because you've become so bored with their options) I've always gained all the weight back and more.
So here I am once again, desperate to lose some weight and be more healthy. I've discovered a lot about myself in all of my various attempts and I think I've finally worked out why I keep 'trying' and almost immediately keep failing.
The secret is, I haven't wanted it enough before this. I haven't been willing to work hard and set myself goals. I always wanted the quick fix and the easy way out and those just don't exist. I also haven't properly understood before that food is NOT my friend. It's not what I need to be doing when I'm sad. I don't need food to celebrate in life and I definitely don't need to fill my boredom with food. It's easy, but it's not really a good hobby to tell the grandkids about one day is it? "So grandma, what did you used to do for fun?", "I ate and ate and ate." Pitiful.
On the up side I have learnt an incredible amount about health and fitness on my journey to this point. Every time I find a new diet I try to research as much as possible about it and see what the 'experts' have to say. I feel like I know what I'm talking about and what I should be doing - now it's just putting my money where my mouth is and doing it!
A lot of people have been very judgmental in my various attempts (more than likely because it's like the 100th time they've heard I'm on a diet so I can't really blame them), they try not to show it but you can see it on their faces.
Whenever a fat person is involved in a conversation about health and fitness, they won't be taken seriously. I have an uncle who has cholesterol that is through the roof - yet he promotes this new Banting diet to anyone who will listen because he lost 10kg on it! I'm not sure where or how he had 10kg to lose, perhaps he cut off a foot, but the point is that he is so happy with himself for losing this 10kg even though he's still not healthy. And people listen to him and start doing the same diet! I just don't understand it. If I'm going to do this, I want to do it properly and healthily.
In another case, friends of mine did diet pills and were very successful - but I just can't bring myself to do it. I'm way too scared about the negative side effects it could have, are we that desperate to look good that we would put our health on the line? No thanks, I'd rather be fat (ironically, I know ok shhh).
In the past this attitude of ignoring the fat girl has put me off ever discussing anything involving food or exercise with anyone, because I've been ashamed and scared to be judged.
But now I'm at the point in my life where I honestly don't give a crap and it's my time to change. So I will be telling everyone I know I'm on diet, not in a 'aww poor me' way, but in a "ok this is the situation and I love you all but you need to understand I can't come to your pizza party until I sort myself out" kind of way. I need to have more faith in people and know that the ones who really should be in my life will understand. I also want to try and help anyone who needs help, whether it be in person or through this blog.
So here we go:
 |
| This is me, Day 1 - 170.5kg |
I'm fat, I said it again and saved you thinking it and me worrying about what you were thinking. I'm becoming more healthy, which means I won't be eating junk food or (shock horror) drinking alcohol. Yes you can have a life without those things, and that's going to be my life.
I'm a big fatty and I will probably look disgusting when I try to run, or get the weights all sweaty at the gym and I would say I'm sorry, but I'm just not. This is my time to change and it's going to take me being selfish for a little while to make sure that the changes I need to happen do happen
This blog will be my diary of sorts, a place where I can put down all my thoughts and feelings about this experience which I'm sure is going to be very difficult, but hey - we all gotta start somewhere right? And I don't want to be sitting here a year from now wishing I had started today.
Feel free to comment and tell me your story, and I'll keep hoping that maybe somewhere out there is someone who feels like they'll start today too because of something I've said. That would be awesome :)
Ok I'm going to go and make myself healthy now.
You've got this!
xx E
No comments:
Post a Comment